*sob sob*

Maybe I’ve changed the way I think of love. But today I’ve finally seen another side of my dad. An incident today showed how my dad felt. When I woke up, he told me that he had a dream of mum. He dreamt that something bad happened. So when he woke up this morning he tried calling her but to no avail. He panicked and tried calling the whole day and he couldn’t do shit at all. He drove up to my mum’s place and saw her car parked at the parking lot. But she wasn’t home. He got so worried and when my mum responded to his numerous voice mails and shouted at her. Now I finally understood why mum thinks of him this way. He cared and loved her, but in a way no one understood. On this day, I finally understand why mum left him. For the first time in 22 years, I saw the love dad has for mum. It touched me.

I’ve always yearned for a happy family dinner. I know its never going to happen again. The only time when I’ll have a happy family dinner is when I start my own family. That’ll be a long time to go.


Its midnight and I’m sitting by the pool of my mum’s apartment, writing this entry. Playing on my laptop is some sappy classic songs. No ACDC for now.
Tonight I chatted with someone I had such deep feelings for. I must admit that as much sadness and pain I felt, I’m happy for her. At last, she knows what she wants or at least how she feels. Tell me; how one should feel when the one you love tells you that she still misses her ex? The feeling sucks. I want her for myself so much. Maybe its retribution I’m getting for all that I’ve done in the past. This is crazy. It’s getting to me! I love her but I’ll be happy if she finds what she truly wish and want. Arrghhh heart-wrenching!

Loneliness I’m used to, but heart-wrench is truly a new experience. Bloody thing about love.